Woman Collage

I was so tired,

had been for so long,

but I refused to admit it. 

 

I ran high-level fire-fighting all the time. 

I couldn’t breathe, the arms were heavy, and the legs trembled! 

I am 4 years old, it’s summer.

I am standing with my mother’s scissor in my hand, just about to cut through my long, blond hair.

 

I cut a long slice, laughing, lifting it up and let the warm summer wind blow it away.

I am dancing with the wind and feel like an angel flying around.

 

I take another, and another, until there’s nothing more to cut.

Then an older girl from the neighborhood finds me and explodes at me, screaming,

 

“What have you done?”

She’s telling me how ugly I am, and that my parents will punish me for this.

She repeats over and over

 

“How could you BE THIS STUPID?”

 

I was shocked, terrified, confused, hurt... all in the same time.

I find myself home in the hall, hiding under all the jackets, crying desperately, my heart was bleeding.

 

What had I done?

How can I be loved by anyone now that I am so ugly and stupid?

 

Years later, I’m standing in the middle of our classroom as a teenager, receiving all these ugly words of how I am, how I act and behave, and are being told that I don’t fit in.

I have heard it so many times before, so I easily believe it to be true.

I have distanced myself, hided and become frozen, refuse showing the real me anymore.

 

I dive into overeating to comfort myself.

I become a master in denying myself and my feelings.

My heart and soul couldn’t accept the way I was treating it, so it turned my body into disease, trying to force me to listen.

I went in and out of hospitals for 3 years, but there was no healing.

 

Sickness became a weakness to me, so one day I refused to be sick anymore.

***

Years fast forward.

I was looking for happiness and fulfilment in everything around me; in food, in books, in writing, in my work and businesses, in all types of accomplishments and statuses.

 

I reached higher and higher, wanted more and more.

 

I did it really well.

 

I learned how to build businesses, how to sell and how to achieve any goal.

 

It seems that everything I touched turned into gold.

But it was never enough.

I easily got bored and easily changed direction in my careers, I couldn’t find my place.

 

I had studied leadership for many years, but at a point I failed hugely in treating people well, I couldn’t even treat myself in a healthy way.

 

In my darkness I began to criticise and blame others, and I made them pay for my unfulfillment.

And people got sick around me.

Falling like flies.

It made me hate sickness even more.

 

 

Then one day at work, a cold Sunday in February, the reality came over me.

 

I was so tired, had been for so long, but refused to admit it.

 

I ran high-level fire-fighting all the time.

I couldn’t breathe, the arms were heavy, and the legs trembled!

 

I collapsed on the floor, tore up my shirt and raised my breath.

Everything squeezed, and for a short moment it blackened me.

 

I was kneeling on the cold floor, completely paralysed and unable to understand what was happening.

I returned to reality, and then the fear rose fierce in me.

“What had I done?

How could I have become this way?”

The little girl inside was screaming so loud.

My whole world felt apart, I was crushed and really ashamed.

 

In that moment I knew something seriously had to change.

I HAD TO CHANGE!

 

With my hands folded, tears running, and a heart overwhelmed of a new kind of love I didn't felt before, I decided to start searching for the truth, to find the real me, to find my inner beauty and to get to know that little, happy girl again.

 

I decided to make peace with myself.

To forgive and to love myself.

To give myself permission to BE loved and to shine for others.

My own false belief about how I thought things should be had finally taken me down.

I started to cry loudly. So grateful for this realisation.

 

I finally saw how my toxic thinking and behaviors had taken over my life.

 

I had been an expert in pushing away the uncomfortable, instead of standing up for myself and for what that little girl inside me wanted.

 

I had been an expert in talking myself down.

I was never good enough – for myself!

 

What a lie and false belief I’d kept all these years.

I was a stressed out serial entrepreneur, overworked and unhappy.

The next morning, I was perfectly clear on selling my three businesses, and perfectly clear to find my best self!

All these businesses were just another need for proving myself right, and I was done with that.

 

But my new journey wasn’t that easy...

 

I continued to look outside myself, instead of looking into my heart and soul for answers.

 

This process made me feel frustrated, overwhelmed and irritated.

 

I read all the self-helps books I came over, followed gurus and tried to fit in, once again.

So, in my desperation I just started journaling, praying and meditating.

It wasn't what everybody had told me or expected of me, but the real truth of my heart and my desires, growing up from gratitude.

I finally saw ME.

 

At that moment I knew for sure I was the one to set my sail.

And I just knew I could do and have whatever I want, because I do believe I AM good enough and that I AM lovable.

I realized that I had so much precious knowledge to share, and I knew I could make an impact teaching other what I’d learned to find my own inner Queen.

 

I couldn’t be truly successful in any businesses without being connected to my interior empires, and to really love myself.

My self-talk, self-denial and how I chose to respond to what happened to me, had cost me so much,

-but as the same time given me the greatest gift ever!

 

My whole life changed.

After all, it was only when I started focusing on myself, through personal growth coaching, tools and mentorship, that I realized the truth.

"Your reality is a reflection of who You are, on an invisible energetic level".

Yes, I’m still working on and healing into new beautiful, empowering and nurturing beliefs.

I finally understood that everything that happened, happened for me, for me to learn, for me to grow and for me to give when the time was right, so that my faults could be to others blessing,

and for that I’m so grateful, and it makes me really excited for the future.

Your story, no matter how difficult it seems, have a life lesson to you as well.

Turn your story into your power!

You are more than enough!

Much Love to You!

 

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